New Year, Same Me
The Resolution Trap
It’s that time of year again! That magical time when we are all invited to set lofty, often unsustainable goals in the name of self-improvement. Research suggests that by this point in the month, about 25% of us have already failed at our resolutions. By the end of January, that number will rise to be near 50%. I don’t know about you, but I do not love those odds.
Now, you may be expecting me to write about how to maintain these goals. I could, but I am not going to. It’s not that I have anything against self-improvement- what kind of therapist would I be if I did? It’s that we know that change hinges on much more than the calendar. Putting artificial pressure on ourselves to make changes based on a cultural timeline or expectation doesn’t make us more likely to succeed, but it can make us feel worse when we are not able to achieve that change.
So instead of providing tips for keeping resolutions, I am going to present you with 5 questions to ask yourself whenever you set a goal. Use these tips year-round whether you want to build a habit, or break one.
Five Essential Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Set a Goal
Why am I setting this goal in the first place?
Is it out of a genuine desire to change? Out of habit? Out of societal pressure to be in constant pursuit of self-improvement? Your why is important. If you choose a goal that is consistent with your values ( what is truly important to you), maintaining it is going to be easier and more meaningful.
Is now the right time for me?
There is nothing inherently special about the New Year that makes it the only time we are allowed to change. Pressuring ourselves to make changes at a time that isn’t right for us is only going to lead to frustration. So is now the right time? And if not, when might be?
Is my goal realistic?
It can be easy to get caught up in the desire to make big changes quickly, especially with the fervor of the New Year. But is your goal something you could truly integrate into your life? For example, if you want to start cooking more meals at home, but currently order out every night, perhaps a goal of only ordering food once a month is lofty and sets you up for failure. Make sure you start with smaller, achievable goals, and set yourself up for success.
Is my goal sustainable?
Even if we have a values-consistent desire to make a change, we need to ask ourselves, does this change suit your life and lifestyle overall? One of the reasons change is hard is that it can be hard to maintain. Make sure you get clear on whether this is a change that you can maintain, and if you truly want to maintain it.
What do I imagine meeting my goal will look like?
We can pin a lot of hope on meeting a self-improvement goal, imagining it will drastically improve the quality of our lives. While it might, we often overestimate the positive impact that reaching a goal will have. This is particularly true if the goal does not reflect our values and priorities.
Building new habits and making life changes is hard. Instead of relying on others to tell us what changes to make or when to make them, using our values as a compass and keeping goals and expectations for ourselves reasonable can go a long way to securing lasting, meaningful change.
Dr. Jillian Neill specializes in perinatal mental health, trauma therapy, ADHD, and LGBTQIA+ affirming care. She offers evidence-based, compassionate support for challenges like perinatal depression, anxiety, fertility struggles, pregnancy loss, eating disorders, and identity exploration. As a HAES provider, Dr. Neill fosters a safe, inclusive space where clients can embrace their authentic selves. Contact her at Jillian.Neill@dremmabasch.com or (336) 355-1796 for warm, affirming therapy tailored to your needs.