Repair: How and Why to Apologize to Your Kids
Pre-kids, you likely imagined being a calm, serene, and patient parent. But for most of us, the reality of parenting is that we sometimes ‘lose it’ verbally with our kids at one time or another. This blog looks at why repair (aka apology or making amends) is developmentally helpful and how to effectively repair with your kids when you have lost your cool.
I’m writing this blog for all the parents like me. Parents with a streak of stubbornness. Parents who never (or rarely) saw their parents apologize. All healthy and secure relationships come with difficult emotions, disconnection, and then reconnection. Let’s take a look at why and how to repair with your kids after a rupture.
The Why:
Emotional disconnection and reconnection (also known as rupture and repair by renowned psychiatrist Dan Seigel) are truly at the heart of every relationship. When we repair after a relationship rupture, we teach our child how to deal with difficult emotions within the safety and security of a loving relationship. Dr. Seigel says rupture and repair are critical for developing self-regulation, coping, and resilience. If we met our kids' needs perfectly all of the time, it would get in the way of the development of those skills! Let that sink in.
Repair also has other gifts than developmental competence. To the receiver, the gift of repair is emotional safety and validation. To the person repairing, it’s a gift of maturity, self-awareness, and growth. To the relationship, it’s a gift of healing, building trust, and deeper emotional connection.
The How:
Get Calm First: We cannot show up as our best selves when we are dysregulated. Before apologizing, it is essential that you regulate your nervous system and regain control. There is no one right way to do this. For more information on this, take a look at my last blog post
Use Effective Language: The language you use in a repair is important. Dr. Harriet Lerner’s research indicates that the most effective apologies focus on the apologizer's action and not the response of the person receiving the apology. They do not include the word ‘but’. They also don’t get caught up in identifying a certain percentage of blame or fault. She notes that these things can be discussed at a later date if needed, but not during the repair. Affirm your child’s emotions. Keep it succinct, heartfelt, and focused on your behavior.
Offer a Reparation or Corrective Action: An apology is only as good as the action that backs it up. Make sure that you offer some corrective action along with your repair. Then do your best to avoid a repeat performance. Make sure the corrective action fits the ‘crime’ and is neither too extreme nor too minimal.
Some options:
“I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t ok and I imagine you felt scared. I will work really hard to avoid yelling in the future”
“I should have asked before throwing away that (item from your room). I’m sorry. I know I would have felt annoyed if that was done to me. I’m willing to replace it”
“I know I was cranky last night and snapped at you. I love you and I apologize. I am making a plan to cope better with my work stress”
Check your Motives:
All apologies are not created equal. Check your motives at the door. If your motive for repair is tending to the relationship, it’s a green light. If your reason to offer repair is due to personal discomfort, shame, or other internal “stuff”- sometimes that work is best done ourselves and with a qualified therapist,
The Big Picture:
Parental self-awareness is linked with increased well-being for our kids. A big part of self-awareness is knowing when you messed up and having the skills to repair it. Hopefully, this gives us parents some reassurance that we don’t have to be perfect- only willing to repair!