5 Things to Remember about Boundaries this Holiday Season (and Beyond)
There’s a chill in the air, the days are shorter, and Mariah Carey is already playing on at least one of your local radio stations. The Winter Holiday Season is approaching. And, as any therapist can tell you, a discussion of boundaries comes with it. Especially this year, as the election has left many feeling distressed, uncomfortable, and even unsafe sharing their table with those who voted against the interests of so many marginalized people. So, what’s to be done? Here are 5 things to remember when setting boundaries this holiday season.
Remember: Boundaries are about what you do.
Setting a boundary is showing or telling someone how you will behave or respond to their behavior. We cannot control other people. We can only control our behavior. So saying “You can’t invite racist Uncle Bob to Thanksgiving this year!” isn’t a boundary. It’s a demand. However, saying “If racist Uncle Bob is coming to Thanksgiving, I will not be at Thanksgiving” is a boundary. If you do X, I will do Y.
Remember: Boundaries only work if we stick to them.
If we tell our kids about a consequence and don’t follow through what happens? They’re much more likely to continue to do the unwanted behavior. Adults are the same. If we offer a boundary like “If you continue talking to me about this, I am going to leave,” and then do not follow through, we teach them that it is OK not to respect our boundaries. Boundaries require follow-through.
Remember: Setting a boundary may not feel good (especially at first). That doesn't mean you’re doing anything wrong.
Boundary setting is hard; it often involves conflict and challenging feelings like sadness and guilt. Just because you feel negative emotions around it does not mean that your boundary is “bad” or unreasonable, or that you are wrong for setting it.
Remember: Other people may not like your boundaries and that's OK.
A boundary is a way of communicating that we are not going to tolerate treatment or behavior from someone. Sometimes, people do not like hearing that. Setting boundaries can trigger people to behave badly: to gaslight, to try to convince you otherwise, to turn things back on you. Remember, this is exactly why you needed the boundary in the first place. Just because someone reacts badly to your boundary doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong.
Remember: You are allowed to set boundaries!
Many people who struggle with boundaries were raised in families where boundaries were not acceptable or were met with punishment. The idea that we tolerate endless bad behavior from family just because they are family is prevalent, and it is harmful. If you need to set a boundary for your own peace, comfort, or safety, remind yourself that you are allowed to make that choice. Surrounding yourself with people who will encourage and respect your boundaries will help too.
Keep an eye out for information on a Holiday Boundary Setting Workshop coming soon from Dr. Jillian Neill.