Tackling Parental Overwhelm: 3 Effective Tips
Kids screaming. Doorbell ringing. Dogs barking. Dinner burning. Homework to be managed.
You can feel your stress level rising until it gets to that familiar point of no return. Your breath quickens and there’s an urgent need to make. It. All. Stop! Maybe at this point, you yell or slam a pot on the stove. Maybe you just shut down and shut off. Whether it’s loud or it’s a whisper- it’s parental overwhelm and it’s impossible to dodge these days. The competing demands of work, home, and everything in between have parents running around at a fever pitch.
What is Parental Overwhelm?
Another word for overwhelm is diffuse physiological arousal- aka our brains ‘fight or flight’ mode. This can look like a racing heart, shallow breathing, feelings of intense anger/irritability, feelings of dissociation (you feel as if you are going ‘inward’ and are cut off from the world), difficulty with communication- maybe even erratic communication, yelling and difficulty processing. We are literally unable to communicate effectively and/or problem-solve during this time.
Why Causes Parental Overwhelm?
Parental overwhelm can be caused by a host of internal and external factors including sensory issues and/or needs, high levels of stress (imbalance of stress and resources), unhelpful internal narratives about ourselves or our parenting, suppression of needs, unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our kids, and damaging societal messaging.
Three Effective Strategies to Manage Overwhelm:
Navigating parental overwhelm can feel daunting but there are effective ways to cope. Consider the following effective strategies.
1. Get curious:
The best way to solve a problem is to seek to understand the problem objectively from a place of compassion and non-judgment. I know it’s hard to do after we’ve blown up at our kids but try treating overwhelm as a puzzle to be figured out- not something to shy away from, feel shame about, or ignore. Once you know the clues that your mind and body give you- you can create a plan to intervene proactively rather than reactively.
Ask yourself the following questions after an episode of overwhelm:
What happened immediately before the overwhelm hit?
What was happening in my body before I felt overwhelmed and where did I notice the overwhelm in my body?
What ‘story’ was I telling myself about my kids, my parenting or myself at that moment?
2. Self-soothe:
Sometimes the antidote to overwhelm is to self-soothe. This is especially true for my neurodivergent parents! It’s best to intervene when you are “somewhat”-whelmed! What is “somewhat”-whelmed? It’s those moments immediately before total overwhelm where your body is giving you clues that you are nearing your edge. If we really pay attention to it, we can intervene earlier, increasing our odds of a less tumultuous episode and a quicker recovery.
Some ideas for soothing might be using a fidget, wearing noise-canceling headphones, holding a calming object, pushing your feet into the floor and reminding yourself you are safe, creating an ‘overwhelm mantra’- e.g. “I’m the anchor in this storm,” visualizing a peaceful, calm place, going to a quiet place (bathrooms count).
3. Know your narrative and hold it lightly:
An integral piece of managing parental overwhelm is identifying and building insight into how we explain our children’s behavior and our behavior as parents. These internal thoughts can fuel a fire or put it out. Sometimes we treat these stories as absolute truths. To put a little space between yourself and your thoughts, try the following strategies:
Notice that you are noticing. Instead of “I am such a bad mom”, try “I notice that I’m noticing the thought that I’m a bad mom”
If I let this thought hook me and dictate what I do- does it take me toward or away from the life I want?
Remind yourself that this is just your mind problem-solving. You are overwhelmed, so your mind tries to figure out a way to stop the pain.
Practice seeing your thoughts in their form and location: What does that thought look like? How big is it? What does it sound like? Where is it located in space?
One of the most integral pieces of parental overwhelm is: repair. Our kids need to see our humanity and experience a genuine, vulnerable apology from us! Please check back (in a few weeks/date) for my next blog which will discuss ‘The Art of Repairing with our Kids’. Until then, share this article with another parent that’s in the thick of it!